So, lately I've been feeling wildly unattractive. I've put on some pounds since Sean's been home thanks to eating out a lot, and it's had an impact on my self-esteem because, Hell, I'm shallow like that.

Last night, I asked Sean what it was that he found sexy about me. And you know what his answer was? That I'm smart, funny and unique.

Holy shit.

That was the absolute worst answer, next to "you have such a pretty face!".

So, in my usual, gently prodding way, I ask, "what about physically? Is there anything about me, or anything that I do that's sexy?" and after a long, long pause, I get "everything."

Objectify me, for chrissake! He seems to have no problem objectifying younger, sluttier girls. He has no problem objectifying women in porn. Why not me? I'm a girlfriend, not a nun. I'm not sure at what point I became so entrenched in the physical, and so obsessed with comparing myself to other women - real life, or celebrities. I'm not sure when so much of my worth became dependent on what someone else thought of me, but it really, really sucks.

I'm afraid of being rejected sexually by him (which has happened before- ouchers!) and it's made me totally stop trying to seduce him. This is counter-productive, I realize, but my ego can't take another shoot down. Sean isn't responsible for my self esteem, but I could really use the help. These feelings are what drove me to cheat in the past and that's not a road I want to go down again. Hell, I feel bad enough fighting the urge.

I just feel bad.