I am not writing this because Kristi inadvertently saw my post, my mother's angry email, or to make excuses. I am writing this because of genuine guilt and Hell, this way the punishment fits the crime.

What I wrote was purely reactionary. It was petty hurt feelings, lightening quick entirely unfounded judgments and what can only be called insanity on my part. I can't explain it any way that will make anyone nod their head and say, "oh then it was completely justified" but I can maybe tell you where I'm (embarrassingly) coming from, and attempt to salvage an iota of dignity.

First, I never meant for anyone who wasn't my friend to see it. I write those kinds of things as a venting method when my usual methods aren't available. I'm a retard and didn't realize that my entry on Facebook was all too public so it was delivered to someone I never meant to see it. Thankfully, that person is a bigger one than I am, and accepted my apology and agreed that we move on as best we can, considering my first impression.

Second, where I was at was a bad, bad place and I have an overwhelming difficulty properly dealing with said places. My first reaction to any remotely negative or uncomfortable feeling is anger, and I was unfortunately "blessed" with a way for words, an overinflated hyperbolic way, and a big, big fucking mouth (fingers?). Anytime my parents have introduced a new person into my life as any kind of "family", I'm threatened, I guess, and resentful. I can honestly say I've never dealt with my parents' divorce. I'm terrified of my family (or anyone I care about) "abandoning me". For almost seven years, my dad got a "new family" and was essentially absent from mine and my sister's life and when I met Kristi, I guess my first reaction was one of "not again" dread. Kristi, not being social reject completely lacking in skills necessary for human interaction, made a real effort to converse with everyone, and my own pouty bitchy behavior wouldn't allow me to do the same. This further threatened me. And instead of acting like an adult and putting in more of an effort myself, I was a child and spent the evening acting like a cunt and writing cruel things. My own fucked up therapy methods, almost.

Please don't think I'm making excuses, because there are none. Like it or not, Mike is a part of my mom's life and therefore my own. I'm rapidly heading toward losing them both; self-sabotage is my forte. I am genuinely sorry to everyone I hurt in writing that (surprisingly many) and hope this is a wake-up call. I need to somehow deal with everything so there's no more snowballing of feelings, fears and resentments.

It's Friday night and I want to go out.

Go, go, Kitchen Supermodel.

Sean, being that he's on a 12-hour guard duty shift and being that he's a vaguely jealous individual, particularly when jealous, has already threatened to send the MPs for me.