Oh my God, I totally forgot the douchiest part!

Once our dinner had arrived, the waitress offered Parmesan cheese. Cuntbag refused. The harried waitress left the cheese grater on a table near us.

Midway through a sentence in a story I was sharing with the table, she screams "fuck!" Everyone turns to look at her, less in a "what's wrong!" and more in a "what the fuck!" manner. "I told that idiot that I didn't want fucking Parmesan cheese and she left it by my head!" And with that, she threw it on the fucking floor.

My reply was, "yes, I could see how eating something and having it near you could be construed as the same thing. It's perfectly rational that you threw it on the fucking floor."

Apparently, this offended her and she whined to Kevin about it. He did not hesitate to be a fucking bitch and sulk around, and he called me to make me aware that I "hurt her feelings" with my comment about the goddamn cheese.

God.

Let me tell you the story of when I met my ex-boyfriend/ex-best friend's girlfriend.

Date: Tonight.

Location: Olive Garden.

Well, let me correct that: it started when Kevin picked me up at work and she got out of the car to let me in. She steps out and the first thing I notice is her orange bleached hair, but it doesn't take long for my eyes to involuntarily drift to her formal shorts and Wal-Mart brand knee high boots. Little did I know then that the outfit was expertly accessorized with a fucking loonie as a necklace. Oh yes, she wore currency as jewelry.

Anyway, I had to suffer through Beyonce and other radio bullshit that they actually bothered to burn onto a CD for the whole ride (I have never hated traffic more) and when we arrived, I'd never been so happy to see Andrew in my fucking life.

The dinner was excruciating, as I had to listen to her laugh at her own not even kind of funny jokes (EG. Upon looking at a cookie crumb cheesecake: "Why is that crust black? Is it burnt? HAHAHAHA!") and a lot of "we" stories. You know the kind. "Remember when we drank coffee? THAT WAS GREAT!" all in a ploy to mark her territory. Look, bitch, I've known the kid since we were 16 years old. Your stupid story about that time you ate at Olive Garden before is pointless.

At one point, she looked at a guy who was heavily tattooed and sitting next to us, and said, "his neck tattoo is lame." Fine, maybe it was, I didn't see it, but what I do know is that someone who is attempting to find an artist to tattoo a portrait of someone she saw on MySpace because she "liked how she looked" does not qualify you to rate other's tattoos. Also, having a mouth does not mean you ought to open it. For real. Especially you.

I have to say, though, that my second favorite part of the evening was the multiple times she cleaned Kevin's face. How emasculating - almost as much as being so pussy-whipped that you alienate all of your friends - and the perfect pick-me-up for me.

Now for the first favorite part: It was when I was outside on the phone talking to Rin, announcing all the things I hate about her. I was sort of behind some shrubbery and oops! Around the corner she walks! I know she at least heard the part where I suggested she and I dress up as "way cooler than this cunt" for Hallowe'en.

I regret nothing! Kevin stopped being my friend the moment this fucking vagina showed up, and if she tells him how mean I am and he's mad, I do not fucking care.

Ugh, what a fucking idiot. What a fucking night.

Rob and I are going to Cold Lake this long weekend. He'll be meeting the parents, but I'm pretty sure he's more excited about the increased chance he'll see a fighter jet. Mind you, it's a very marginal increase, as the military does nothing on weekends, in the best of circumstances. And these are pilots we're talking about - they do nothing on the weekdays, either. But this airplane passion he shares with my mother's dick boyfriend will keep them both busy enough to not drive me insane.

He's also excited because I promised him a horse ride on Kevin's mother's farm. He won't be able to travel around anywhere, but she'll saddle up D.C. and trot him around the yard for a while, which, for Rob, will be a giant step up from being led around a rodeo yard by a cowboy.

I'm very excited to see my sister and mama. My dad has also decided to have "dinner. Or drinks. Or dinner and drinks!" with he and I at some point. It's unfortunate that Rob would never take Friday off, as well, because that would make this trip about 10 million times better, being that I'd have Friday and Saturday night with the family. Mahwell, beggers can't be choosers.

Tonight I hung out with Phil, which, along with recent devastating developments, made me nostalgic for old friends. We had dinner and went to he bookstore, where I bought this and this and I'm very excited to not have to read this boring shit.

It's like everything is changing drastically with the recent and sudden loss of my two best friends, and that's sort of sad, but it's maybe also one of those "what's stopping me now?" situations. Who knows with me? I'm a loose cannon, baby!

To note:

I'm currently trapped outside. I went into my sunroom in my underwear and suddenly construction crews showed up and are doing work outside in the alley, in my line of sight. No one wants to see me in my underwear, and I'm fine not letting them see it, anyway.

My bike is on its way here! I haven't had it in almost two years and I can't effin wait for good ol' Swiftwind to be back in my possession. There will be photos of me trying to remember how to ride a bike. Kevin is bringing it and I can finally see Kevin after months and months that he was in Victoria.

Speaking of Kevin, I really, really, really love it when my ex-boyfriends new girlfriends are all lamer/uglier/fatter/grosser than me. I have a list, albeit short, of ex-boyfriends to whom this applies and it thrills me. Does this make me a fucker?

Does ephedrine cause appetite increase?

I'm trying to download Meatloaf's Bat Out Of Hell II and it's difficult. Poor me.