If ever I wondered whether or not I'm emotionally stunted, I get my answer at least once a month in the form of a vivid and horrible dream.

Whenever things between my significant other and I are really going fantastic, even if it's just a night of intimacy that makes me giddy with love, I will almost inevitably dream that night of them doing something terrible- cheating, leaving me for someone else, or being otherwise cruel. Yesterday for example, I played little housewife, cooking dinner and nursing my dear, sick Shai, and he reciprocated with my favorite squeezes, kissing and kind words. And then, as I do, I had a dream he left me for another woman.

I woke up this morning with a sinking feeling in my guts, feeling all-around lousy. I'm not sure whether I got my customary goodbye kiss when he left for work this morning, so perhaps my subconscious was playing off that, as well. Still, this feeling is lingering, as Shai is super busy at work and unable to call and reassure me he loves me. Once that happens, I'm certain I'll snap back, but for now I'm wallowing in self-pity and boo-hooing.

My theory regarding this habit is one of downright terror. I'm an emotionally damaged little thing. A reformed man-hater, a notorious philanderer, and child of divorce resulting from infidelity has created a monster. I can only assume that these cynicisms have led to a level of intense distrust that leads me to these dreams. I'm perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop, I suppose. Things in Ashleyland don't go good for long, at least in my mind, and when I am feeling so in love and loved, it's as if my chest will burst, I become wary and paranoid, at least on a subconscious level.

I sure hope Shai calls soon.

At least Andyween is this weekend and I'll be a busy bee between then and now, with present and cake preparations, as well as ensuring my costume will blow the minds of all in attendance.

My turn to blog.

Went to a house party with Lexci and finally met Dirk, Alissa, Jackee, Jeff, and Mike. A lot of new faces, but it didn't end there because today, we had "Crazy Soup" and were joined by Vyky, who had to "work" or something. I couldn't participate in the great deal of shop talk that was going on, but I learned some stuff and was amused and delighted, nonetheless. In spite of being downright terrified of meeting ten bajillion of the cool kids in one fell swoop, it was pretty rad.

My only regret is that I didn't get to witness the domestic violence in my home that led to the giant hole in the foyer's wall. Ah well, you win some, you lose some.