For financial reasons, I went off my anti-depressants recently and now I'm sitting on the couch watching true crime shows and inexplicably feel like calling to quit my job so I can go to bed and cry.

So, what happened.

Last night, Sean and I got into an enormous fight, the details of which I won't go into, but I thought it was going to be "it". It cultivated into him leaving and me going out of my mind, so I called my mom to talk. She asked how I was, and I told her that it was shitty and I needed to talk. She informed me she was just about to eat dinner and said goodbye. Fight went out, we made up.

Today, Sean, Jason, Shannon and I went to my dad's for dinner. It was, as usual, forced, fake and awkward, as those people (Dad and his new family of retards) wouldn't have anything to do with my sister and I (and actually didn't) if Shannon hadn't had Calli. An hour in, it was announced that Dad would paying the living expenses for his stepson of like, five years, who is maybe going to a college he hasn't even being accepted into, and buying him a condo. Thus, I needed a smoke so went outside with Shannon. This was after my sister received a card and gifts from a grandmother who I haven't heard from in years.

In the truck outside, Shannon told me she's pissed at our mother because after I had that brief "conversation" with her, she called Shannon. Mom asked if Shannon knew why I had called, so Shannon gave her the Cliff's notes of what occurred. My mother then told Shannon that it was "my own fault" for moving so quickly and firmly informed Shannon to not allow me to stay at her house. Being that my mother is absentee (and kind of a total cunt), Shannon was pissed and told Jason "you know if Ashley needs a place to stay, she's coming to our house", to which Jason replied "of course."

It was all too much. I asked Shannon to go inside, tell Sean to grab my purse because I was leaving. I was on the verge of bawling and couldn't take anymore "let's pretend we're a family". Sean came out and I drove us a while before I started to bawl and relinquished the wheel to Sean. My poor helpless husband grew increasingly frustrated about the way my family was behaving, and said he wanted to "have a talk" with my dad.

What do I want? Not to see my parents anymore. Sean said that I would regret it, that people usually do, you can't choose your family, etc. Maybe I can't choose them, but I can choose to not have anything to do with them. I just can't keep feeling like a burden, a disappointment, a "we couldn't choose our daughter". The only good thing those two have done is give me a sister who is my family and acts like it. Sean's family has made me feel more welcome and cared for than mine has in the past ten years, and they've never even met me.

So it looks like I can choose my family, and it does not include Leslie Stevens, Jeff Stevens, or their sparkly new families.

Tell me I'm pretty, please.

He said he didn't love me anymore, and now he's gone. My heart keeps breaking more and more.

Why, why, why, why, why won't I learn my lesson about snooping? I've been blind-sided and I am literally in cold sweats and on the verge of tears and panic and it's all my silly female fault. Whatever inherent gene it is that makes me act like such a psycho, I need extracted because otherwise things are going to get pretty hostile around here. I am so stupid. It's not so much a lack of trust so much as a curiosity, and the cat? It's killed, for sure.

My stomach (heart?) hurts.